On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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