My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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