He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
