saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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