It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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