There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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