his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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