Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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