Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Floor bacon is actually really good
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
