Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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