No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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