I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
