Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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