If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
