dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
