I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
