Someone shit on the floor
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
