and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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