I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Of course I have a pirate flag
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize