Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
