I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you didnt know i had herpes?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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