he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
