I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
