I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
