somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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