so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
