I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I can't turn off my feet"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
