1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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