You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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