I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
