omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
