Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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