Quick, to the slutcave!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
