I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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