it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
