She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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