Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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