I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My breasts were aching with rage.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
