I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did I show you my penis last night?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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