I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
