Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
