my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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