My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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