So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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