Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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