My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
