Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
