he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize