The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
