Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
