so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
