Betty ford says i'm here all night
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
