I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize