my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So vagazzling was a success
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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