I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
