You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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